Diary.

Friday. April 23, 2010.

Today was an okay day. I dropped off my boyfriend at his friends house, went to my grandparents and told my friend i would hang out with her but never did. I feel bad and i know come Monday I will get yelled at for it. There is no use for excuses.

Last night I watched some home videos that my mother took of my brother and I when we were younger. I always put my dad on a pedestal and thought he was the greatest man in the world. But now that i saw the videos, that all changed. I saw that he would yell at my brother and I for no reason at all. He would yell at my mom for her trying to talk to his friend. He yelled at me for saying i love you to my moms friend. I was/am very disapointed that I always thought that he was the greatest man alive. I never believed my mom when she told me that he was a mean man when i was younger. Untill now. My father did drugs and he was an alchoholic. He abused my mom all the seven years the were together. He went to jail when i was seven years old and my borther was about two years old. I remeber the day that he tried killing my mom. He was so drunk that he got this thought in his head that my mom was cheating on him. He was a very jealous man and always thought that my mom was going to cheat on him and she wasnt really in love with him, when she was. He got so jealous he tried killing my mom.

Everything is coming together now. Maybe my mom isnt the bad person. I mean i never thought she was, I just always thought that my dad was the "truth" and he didnt do anything wrong. Now that I am older and more muture i understand most of everything in my life. My mom and I's relationship has grown stronger since i moved back with her. I think the time that we spent apart really helped our relationship. I love my mom with all my heart. She is amazing.

I told my step dad last night that he is going to walk me down the ile at my wedding when i get older. I really mean that too. He has been more of a dad to me then my actual father has. My older sister said the same thing to my grandma when she was my age. I thought that was pretty sad that all my dads kids (5) think the same thing. My older brother, Michael, dislikes my dad alot, for his own reasons. Him and i fight alot but that doesnt mean that we dont talk. My next oldest brother, Ryan, well he is a shy person. He doesnt like my step mom, Michelle, no one does, but he is always nice to people he doesnt like. My littler brother, Johnathan, dislikes my step mom very much. He would always come crying in my room when Michelle would yell at him or he would get into trouble. She uped his dose on his ADHD pills. He gets this glaze over his eyes when they get into affect.

Im not trying to do a self pitty thing, I dont have pitty on people, sorry but i dont. Im just bloging whatever comes to my mind. My life has not been a very bad experience. I think that my life has been very good, despite all the fighting and all the shit i have been through. I try not to think about all the bad things in life. I try to put all the good things first. I am not one of those people that goes with the flow, I wish i did, but i dont.

Im still trying to process all the things that are happening in my life. Im greatful that my mom is here to be with me no matter what.
Im so happy that it is Friday.